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I covered my face and went back to sleep, cursing a pair of mocking bird outside my bedroom window. They must be enjoying the warm sunshine, maybe singing love song to each other.
My dad was off on a business trip. I was still sleeping and my mum probably was outside enjoying her pretty flowers or talking to her neighbor about the beautiful dress she bought, the delicious dinner she prepared last night, the party she was going tonight. Ignoring, the fact that her neighbor is not interested.
As I was about to fall asleep, the phone rang. I ignored it, it rang again. Eyes still closed I answered the phone.
“Hello”.
“Hey! Are you sleeping?”
“Yup, is somebody dead?”
“How can you forget we were to meet now?”
“It is weekend you dumb, school closes on……
Dial tone
My friend hung me up even before I could finish my sentence.

I sat on my bed, rubbed my eyes and looked around my messy room. I laid my eyes on an electric heater under my table; it was still on with few cigarette tips lying around it. My dad was a very strict man. He had a set of rules for me. These rules pissed me off and made me wild. Instead of helping me become a disciplined person his rules shaped me into a stubborn kid. But the funny thing was my dad never entered my room and I could use my heater as a lighter and an ashtray. My mum could care less.

The thick fog, chilling temperature never bothered me: I was out early every week days. The warm and cozy room did not appeal me at all. It was more fun to be with friends, skip classes and tease boys. Combined study or tuition was always an excuse to leave home early and come late. This was not true.
I and my friend hung out with boys. I said to myself. “If it works great, it not there is nothing to loose. I will move on.” We went out, exchanged gifts and talked about our problems. I was happy to be with him. However my friend disliked him, though they never said it aloud I could feel it. I told them. “He is a good guy.”
“We don’t want you to be hurt.”
“What are you talking about? I am happy.”
I would imagine me and him after 40 years together. I could see him with glasses, mustache and huge beer belly. I had all those fantasies of this perfect future with him.

My best friend’s relation ended. She was so sad. I was confused. “Why is she being such a slug? The world doesn’t revolve around him.” I said to myself. “He isn’t good enough for you sweetheart.” I said hugging trying to comfort her. She just refused to speak. She was heartbroken. She slowly started to get over it and she would tell me all these stories with the dark side of her ex. How cheap, selfish ……he was. I would laugh at her and think god I will never breakup or he is going to speak just like this about me.
My mum was busy with her so called social life. My dad was working tooth and nails to keep up with the high expense and I was having fun and being spoiled. As a result I failed my exams. My dad was so upset .I had never seen him so sad. It made me sad too but that wouldn’t last for long. I would be furious at him and blame him for everything. I badly wanted to love him, hug him and feel safe in his arms, but I couldn’t. I became more difficult and stubborn. My parents talked about sending me to special school. I became more violent.

One day I was hanging out with my best friend. I was sitting on the bench and going through a fashion magazine. A young lady walked over to me.
“Excuse me, are you…”
“Yes.” I replied.
“May I talk to you in private?”
I was surprised by her being so rude.
“Are you dating my husband?” she asked looking straight in my eyes.
I was thunderstruck, I froze and was speechless. She pounced back at me. “You should be ashamed of yourself, look at you, spoiled brat.”
I sat on the ground, the world spun around.
“Couldn’t you find anyone else? You bitch. I am out of town for few months and my husband is on someone’s lap………..”
I asked her to discuss this in a different way, but she went on and on.

“Do I need this on top of what I already have?” I thought lying on my bed. How is this possible? He was cheating me and his wife at the same time. His wife goes to study abroad; he acts as a single man and dates me.
“Oh, what a fool I am.” I said aloud sitting on my bed. Tears rolled down my cheeks. My childhood, my schooldays and the way that lady had spoken to me all weaved in and out of my mind. I know I am not the best person but I would never speak to anyone like that. Not in public. I would have handled it better. Everyone thinks that I am dark, I look like that too, but today for that first time I realize that I am better than that. I am very loving and caring person inside. I guess this is the way I was raised. No doubt my parents didn’t spend much time with me but they didn’t teach me to be rude, speak bad words. They did better than that.

I sat on my bed. Thought and thought till my brains were ready to pop out. I realized how much I had hurt my parents. I felt so bad. I sat alone and cried my eyes out.

I tied my messy hair into a ponytail and started to clean my messy room. Thousands of stuff occupied my mind as I straightened up my room and myself. I bend under my study table, unplugged the heater and put it in the garbage bag. “Time for you to go buddy.”

That night as I sat at the dinner table, I enjoyed being there. I was a different person. I sat beside my dad and thought “I have lost a man from my life; I don't want to loose another one.” Gathering all my courage I said “Dad I am sorry and I love you.” I could feel the knot in my throat as I spoke. My dad patted my shoulder, smiled and nodded. Next I was safe in his arms, hugging him. I thought to myself “I don't want to be a cocoon anymore I want to be a beautiful butterfly.” I felt as if I was born again. Being transformed from an ugly cocoon to a beautiful social butterfly.

   [ posted by shanti gurung @ 03:30 PM ] | Viewed: 1538 times [ Feedback] (1 Comment)

A PAGE FROM MY JOURNAL

When I was asked what I planned for the future,my answered varied with time a doctor,scientist,housewife......Finally I took science, with biology as my major.But I ended up as a nanny.So professionally I am a babysitter though I never took any lessons for it.Being a mother of a child was the only experience I had regarding my job.

I guess my innocent face and being a person of few words overcame my lack of knowledge and experience to gain this position.I enjoyed my work,everything was great.
It was friday,going home day.I was busy getting things ready for the weekend.Giving bath to the baby boy,I was trying to put pajamas on him who was fighting back kicking and screaming.
"Let me dress you up sweetheart".I said controlling my rage.
"Nooooooooooo,go away".He kicked me.
I held him tight,looked into his eyes.
"I don't like you,you are a bad girl".He screamed at my face.
I took a deep breath as I finally managed to slip the clothes on him.
He spit on my face and ran to his mommy who was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen.
"Oh,sweeti what is the matter."she asked hugging him.
I was in my room ready to leave.As I heard my employer screaming like insane I went in."How did he get that scratch on his neck".She asked me.
As I had no idea I said to her "I am sorry,I don't know".
"What do you mean you don't know,you were with the baby the whole day".
The way she spoke to me riped me apart.All the hard work was worth nothing due to that stupid scratch.

Yet,I pulled myself together.Things were ok.One beautiful tuesday afternoon the baby boy was having a playdate.Everyone was happy and having fun.The boys were playing,mommies were talking.It was a fun place.But that didn't last long.My employer gave her child a piece of gum and he put it in his mouth.She blamed me for that.
"He can play with the gum but he cannot put it in his mouth,he is just a child you are an adult,you know it better".I was confused.How could she think her child would not put the gum in his mouth if she gave it to him?????

Then thing got ugly.I wanted to leave,she decided to let me go.But I have to admit that I broke down.First she wanted me to stay till she found someone.I agreed, than she didn't want me to leave.She told me that I misunderstood her.But I wasn't buying that.Everything was clear to me.I could read her mind as she asked me to leave though she told me that her psycologist friend read my mind before.

I am still working there as I am writing this journal of mine.Nothing has changed but it has left me deeply hurt.What went wrong?I have the same love and feeling for this little boy as I have for my four year old girl living thousands of miles away from me.
After all am I a bad mommy??????

   [ posted by Shanti Gurung @ 07:44 PM ] | Viewed: 2183 times [ Feedback]